I was going through our website when I stumbled upon a new edition of Peter’s Ponderings – which is The Drive’s own Peter Michael’s…pondering. Anyways, he wrote about a recent Colorado phenomenon known as the Mad Pooper. A mysterious, yet apparently healthy woman who YOU GUESSED IT – poops…on public property.
And almost immediately, I had flashbacks. Memories came flying to the forefront of my mind, thoughts of a dark time where distress, confusion and disgust were common for myself and my classmates. It was just a few years ago – 2012 to be exact…when my education at SAIT in Calgary took an interesting turn.
When I first heard of the Phantom Pooper – it was but a mere whisper in one of the Broadcasting Department study rooms.
“I’m sorry what? Did you say Phantom Pooper? What the hell is that?”
If my memory is correct, it started with a series of unfortunate cleanups in the nearest (and busiest) bathrooms. But it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary…just someone having a rough time on the john. We’ve all been there. Move along.
But soon after, everything changed. The Phantom Pooper must’ve noticed all of the attention they were getting – because the Pooper upped their game in more ways than I’m willing to type out. But I will explain the mood on campus during the attacks.
You see – The Phantom Pooper leaves a legacy unlike any we’ve seen before – an anti-hero who took it upon himself to slyly take dumps on the floors of a few SAIT washrooms. And they did that for almost a year – at least.
Now, obviously you love Harry Potter, just like me! And when I think about living in fear for some of my 2 years at SAIT, I think about Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
In the Chamber of Secrets, everyone at Hogwarts is terrified about an unknown monster leaving student’s in various states of shock – AKA ‘Petrified’. And even though that monster turned out to be a giant magical snake, the way those characters reacted to it is similar to how I recall the moments after a Phantom Pooper attack. It was like this:
Whispers…gasps…even some snickering and laughs. But one thing was for sure. The Phantom Pooper was getting stronger, braver – more disgusting and filthy than ever before. A frightening example of what humans will do to attract attention. Soon enough it felt like every week the bathroom down the hall would be closed for cleaning and some sort of investigation.
But what did this savage have to gain from pooping all over the floors at SAIT? Surely, no one knew about this other than students and faculty seeing social media threads and hearing hallway rumours! WRONG! Because at this point it was way bigger than that. The Phantom Pooper had gained some notoriety. And not just in the school newspaper either – Metro even wrote about it.
In fact, after a lull in the news coverage – the Phantom Pooper (or a copycat) went so far as to drop a deuce in front of the door to the SAIT newspaper office. Was it a disgusting reminder of what was going on in the school bathrooms – or perhaps a cry for more attention as students and faculty alike became desensitized to the sight of poop on the floor?
Who was/is the Phantom Pooper? One campus security guard claims to have come face-to-uh…face with the culprit as he was mid-“defacing” school property. But the Phantom got away in what I assume was a very awkward and uncomfortable chase. This person – the suspect, knew when and where to poop. ‘Why’ they did it, will always be a mystery. And I think I like it better that way.
But that didn’t stop the goosebumps I got when I heard about the Mad Pooper in the US. I thought I’d pushed the Phantom Pooper out of my mind – but I guess not. I suppose the only way to move on is to remember that somewhere out there – somebody is taking a dump. And it could be anywhere. Or everywhere.